Biblical Marriage — Sarah and Abraham

A lot of Christians and a few atheists have mentioned 1 Peter 3:15, either as the reason they are always ready to defend their faith, or sometimes a big reason why they left it. I decided to check out the verse, which is a command to be always ready to say why you believe, but first I saw this whopper:

Wives and Husbands

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you[a] of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

This is one of those places in the bible where we get all this nonsense of women having to submit and obey their husbands, telling women how to dress or not dress in this case, as well as the statement that men need to honor women as the “weaker” vessel. But then I saw the statement about Sarah and Abraham, which reminded me of Seth Andrews recent Sunday School lesson on Abram and Sarai (their tribal name back before God decided to covenant with Abraham).

And no offense, but the story of Sarah and Abraham is full of messed up tales and is basically a lesson on what isn’t a healthy marriage. It’s got, Abram renting out his wife, cheating on his wife with her servant or slave, and of course, the story of Isaac, where Sarah was nowhere to be seen as Abraham carted him off to slaughter (obeying means what she thought didn’t matter, apparently).

Let’s start with Sarai and Abram during a trip to Egypt:

Abram and Sarai in Egypt

10 Now there was a famine in the land. So Abram went down to Egypt to sojourn there, for the famine was severe in the land. 11 When he was about to enter Egypt, he said to Sarai his wife, “I know that you are a woman beautiful in appearance, 12 and when the Egyptians see you, they will say, ‘This is his wife.’ Then they will kill me, but they will let you live.13 Say you are my sister, that it may go well with me because of you, and that my life may be spared for your sake.” 14 When Abram entered Egypt, the Egyptians saw that the woman was very beautiful. 15 And when the princes of Pharaoh saw her, they praised her to Pharaoh. And the woman was taken into Pharaoh’s house. 16 And for her sake he dealt well with Abram; and he had sheep, oxen, male donkeys, male servants, female servants, female donkeys, and camels.

17 But the Lord afflicted Pharaoh and his house with great plagues because of Sarai, Abram’s wife. 18 So Pharaoh called Abram and said, “What is this you have done to me? Why did you not tell me that she was your wife? 19 Why did you say, ‘She is my sister,’ so that I took her for my wife? Now then, here is your wife; take her, and go.” 20 And Pharaoh gave men orders concerning him, and they sent him away with his wife and all that he had.

Here is the gist for those who don’t want to read the whole thing: Since the Bible considered women as property, Abram was afraid the Egyptians who could kill him in order to take his smoking hot wife from him. To beat this, he asked Sarah to pretend to be his sister, since bros get props for being the gatekeeper to giving out their hos. But Pharoah really wanted to bang Sarai, so Abram let the king take his wife into his house and sleep with her. In return, Abram got lots of bling for giving his “sister” away to the Pharoah, until the family realized that Sarai had some STDs and they all started getting sores on their sensitive bits.

Biblical marriage at its best. But this isn’t the only time Abram’s household decided to be polygamous. When his wife couldn’t give him kids, Abram decided he’d just spread his seed around with his wife enabling the deed:

Sarai and Hagar

16 Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had borne him no children. She had a female Egyptian servant whose name was Hagar. And Sarai said to Abram, “Behold now, the Lord has prevented me from bearing children. Go in to my servant; it may be that I shall obtain children[a] by her.” And Abram listened to the voice of Sarai. So, after Abram had lived ten years in the land of Canaan, Sarai, Abram’s wife, took Hagar the Egyptian, her servant, and gave her to Abram her husband as a wife.And he went in to Hagar, and she conceived. And when she saw that she had conceived, she looked with contempt on her mistress.[b] And Sarai said to Abram, “May the wrong done to me be on you! I gave my servant to your embrace, and when she saw that she had conceived, she looked on me with contempt. May the Lord judge between you and me!”But Abram said to Sarai, “Behold, your servant is in your power; do to her as you please.” Then Sarai dealt harshly with her, and she fled from her.

For those wishing to follow 1 Peter 3:6, remember this: If you can’t pop out a kid, it’s your duty to set your husband up with a chick, such as the nanny, to be his extra wife with which to have some kids with. And if you get jealous afterward, you can totally beat and be a bitch to the woman, since she’s only your property. Also, remember that this child, Ishmael, is considered to be a prophet and ancestor of Muhammad in Islam, which means God’s plans really don’t work out very well.

Eventually, Abraham and Sarai got new names, not because they were likely wanted by the Egyptian authorities or were likely the couple at the family reunion you hope don’t stay too long and don’t start drinking, but because God figured Abraham’s lineage was the chosen one, so he gave them new names. And they did finally have a son, Isaac, who God decided he wanted barbecued:

The Sacrifice of Isaac

22 After these things God tested Abraham and said to him, “Abraham!” And he said, “Here I am.” He said, “Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you.” So Abraham rose early in the morning, saddled his donkey, and took two of his young men with him, and his son Isaac. And he cut the wood for the burnt offering and arose and went to the place of which God had told him. On the third day Abraham lifted up his eyes and saw the place from afar. Then Abraham said to his young men, “Stay here with the donkey; I and the boy[a] will go over there and worship and come again to you.” And Abraham took the wood of the burnt offering and laid it on Isaac his son. And he took in his hand the fire and the knife. So they went both of them together. And Isaac said to his father Abraham, “My father!” And he said, “Here I am, my son.” He said, “Behold, the fire and the wood, but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?” Abraham said, “God will provide for himself the lamb for a burnt offering, my son.” So they went both of them together.

Where was Sarah in all this? Was she submitting to her husband and obeying? Did Abraham even tell her he was going to go and slice up their son, then light him on fire because god loves the smell of burning human flesh and crisping human fat?

Remember, this isn’t the only time God wanted this kind of sacrifice. Exodus also commands the faithful to provide their first-borns on the altar for his pleasure. Biblical definitions of marriage and family, indeed.

Jesus died to get you out of detention

We all know that Jesus was born, died and was risen to forgive our sins. But did you know he died to get you out of detention too?

I didn’t learn about that fact until I ran across the blog post of a Minnesota teacher who spoke about how God called him to minister to the children at his school. He’s been called to share God’s message and bring youth into the fold, apparently by bribing them with alternatives to regular school discipline.

According to his blog post, “God Opens a Door,” Lewiston-Altura High School teacher Brian Menk felt called to do more God and Jesus. When he was introduced to the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, a youth ministry organization that sneaks religion into schools through student athletes and their coaches, he had come up with a great way to work for God and get recognition from his peers:

Now, here was one of those situations that was undoubtedly provided by God, and truth-be-told, my first feelings were not how I would like them to be. I started to have thoughts of how good this would look for my own reputation in my school and community. To put is another way, my first thoughts were very selfish.

Well after convincing himself he wasn’t doing this for selfish reasons or pride, the teacher decided that he was going to pursue an FCA chapter at his school for the right reasons: pushing back against that pesky First Amendment in the public school where he worked.

After wrestling with my conscience and realizing that this was an opportunity to bring glory to God and bring Jesus into the lives of kids, I decided to move forward with it.

According to his blog post, Menk, his wife, another teacher and nearly a dozen students at the school trained for several months before hosting their first Bible studies on Friday mornings before school in Menk’s classroom. They also held these “huddles” in the gym as part of bigger kick-off events and volunteered in the community, all the while taking pride in thumbing their nose at the Separation of Church and State:

The point is, our students were giving, serving, praying, loving, challenging, and growing……all while giving glory to God. Keep in mind, this was all happening in a public school.

None of this is new to anyone who has encountered an FCA group, which has chapters at high schools all over the country including the Midwest. But what is the Fellowship of Christian Athletes?

According to their website, the FCA was officially founded in 1954 when the organization’s bylaws were approved and it received recognition from the state of Oklahoma. The vision of Don McClanen, an Oklahoma basketball coach, his idea was to have professional athletes “professing their Christian faith in order to change the youth culture in America.” Today, the organization focuses more on student-athletes and coaches professing their faith to their classmates and students and boasts more than 12,000 huddles, or chapters, in more than 45 countries.

The FCA boasts 27 high school huddles in Northwest Wisconsin and 18 high schools in Southeast Minnesota. The Wisconsin FCA has hosted an annual coaches breakfast at the Wisconsin Football Coaches Association’s clinic and both states promote coaches’ retreats and the FCA Coaches Academy. This program is based on the “biblical truths” behind the organization’s 3Dimensional Coaching program which is designed to promote a faith-based coaching method and even has a secular version the organization uses to softball the concepts to non-fundamentalist coaches.

A 3Dimensional Coach realizes the power of the coaching platform to inspire, motivate, and produce positive change in his or her sphere of influence. He/she is acutely mindful of the moral, social, emotional, psychological, and spiritual needs of his/her athletes. The FCA Coaches Academy is a three course training curriculum designed to help coaches become transformational in the lives of their players by learning to coach in all three dimensions from a faith-based perspective.

In the 2001 decision of Good News Club v. Milford Central School, the United States Supreme Court ruled that faith-based organizations can meet and proselytize in schools as long as it is the students who are leading the activities. Reading much of the content on any FCA website shows that these clubs are at best walking the razor’s edge and worst blatantly violating it, especially in the work to get coaches to preach more to their athletes. And then there are Menk’s actions in getting people to participate in the Lewiston-Altura FCA huddle.

Bragging in his blog post, Menk highlighted two of the ways he ignored the separation of church and state. He recounted the story of a seventh-grade female student he found serving her morning detention in the school office. Menk doesn’t mention why she was serving detention, but apparently he, with the support of school staff, decided the standard disciplinary rules need not apply if said student attended his club for Christ instead.

Most adults tell children that Jesus died for their sins in order to scare them into believing in their imaginary buddy in the sky, his angry, jealous daddy and the nebulous Holy Ghost that likes to enter people and impregnate virgin teens in the Middle East. I have to admit this is probably a better way to indoctrinate kids to your club: come learn about Jesus and we’ll get you out of detention, kid.

The second incident he bragged about involved another seventh-grade student, this time a male. Menk discovered the student full of tears and fearful of being at school after just two weeks of class. No specifics are given, but it is obvious to me that this kid is either being bullied, suffering from social anxiety, or some other combination of factors that are seriously impacting his ability to be happy, healthy and to learn.

Instead of working to resolve these issues by combating the bullying or getting the student counseling or other support he needs, Menk and the school secretary figure they have a better solution: Jesus. Instead of actually working to address the student’s issues, they used it as just another recruiting opportunity to get another warrior for Christ. Somedays I feel telemarketers and used car salesmen have nothing on those who are spreading the “good word.”

Now, these are only the two incidents that have been admitted publicly. Who know what other stories or recruiting tactics Menk, school staff and others have used to connive and convince people to attend their club. But when I came across this blog post making the rounds on Facebook, I knew I had to take action as I knew this teacher was violating the law and bragging about it in the hopes of inspiring others.

When someone breaks into your home, you call the cops to investigate. When someone breaks a civil law, you call a lawyer or non-profit. In this case, I called the Madison-based Freedom from Religion Foundation and let them know about the incidents.

It took them no time to see what I had already seen, that Menk was far from a neutral participant in the club and that his actions and others were violating federal laws such as the Equal Access Act. In fact, according to the organization’s lawyers, Menk violated the law simply by forming and recruiting the club instead of letting the students form it themselves naturally.

No kid should feel pressured to join a club in exchange for a chance to get out of some other school activity, even if it is detention. No kid should feel pressured to join the club in order to try and fit in at school and should have teachers and school staff who work to address their issues instead of trying to recruit them to their religion.

Luckily, the school realized it had messed up in giving Menk carte blanche to run his Jesus club. They didn’t pull Menk from being a part of the FCA, but they did admit the school policies on religion need to be enforced to make it less likely he and other staff members could use their authority to preach to students.

I’m not too convinced the district learned a lasting lesson, however. Along with contacting the district’s attorney, the Lewiston-Altura Superintendent Jeff Apse apparently thought it appropriate to reach out to the Alliance for Defending Freedom, which the Southern Poverty Law Center describes as an extremist organization and a “legal advocacy and training group that specializes in supporting the recriminalization of homosexuality abroad, ending same-sex marriage, and generally making life as difficult as possible for LGBT communities in the U.S. and internationally.” This hate group also apparently represents the interests of the FCA and other religious groups fighting against religious freedom.

While the school did not ultimately use the ADF’s services, I find it appalling a public institution would consider that approach and the letter the district sent to parents, staff and students seems more upset that it got caught, trying to mollify the religious zealots upset a secular organization called them out, and promising to make sure the FCA was touched as little as possible by the changes put in place to follow the law.

But like I am sure a lot of the FCA coaches tell their kids, a win is a win, and it shows people in the secular community the importance of speaking up. You can challenge illegal behavior when you see it and there are organizations like FFRF or Secular Coalition for America that will help you fight for your rights and freedoms. So keep fighting, free thinkers!

My journey to non-belief

“You’re just mad at God,” I’ve been told.

Or they say, “You just need to keep believing. Jesus is there for you and you’ll see that soon.”

So how did a white, rural, working-class kid fall away from Christ and the Church? Did I have a bad experience and leave the church in anger? Was it because I lost a loved one and left God in grief? Did my parents fail to raise me as a good, clean-cut Christian?

Did I have a bad experience and leave the church in anger? Not really. Luckily, I wasn’t raised Catholic as a schoolboy, especially here in the Upper Midwest. Seems there is a new story about a pedophile priest every day.

Was it because I lost a loved one and left God in grief? Nope. It wasn’t God that took family members away from me, it was accidents, illness or old age.

Did my parents fail to raise me as a good, clean-cut Christian? I went to Sunday School and vacation Bible School. I read the lines in every Christmas pageant and was confirmed like any good Christian.

Then what happened? Ever since I can remember, I just realized all the fables and verses and platitudes just didn’t make sense. So let me share my journey.

Ever since I was little, I’ve been a bit of a hellion. I’ve always had one of those personalities that tries to stick it to the man.

The first time I started to wonder if the Bible was bullshit was in Sunday school. Like a lot of small, rural churches, the teachers of the Sunday School classes were usually the daughters of the pastor of other high-ranking families in the church, all of whom were woefully unprepared to be teachers as they were usually high school or young college students and being a Sunday School teacher always seemed to butt up against the fact that women weren’t allowed to have any authority in the Wisconsin Evangelical Lutheran Synod:

16. As the head of the wife and family the husband has the prime responsibility for the spiritual instruction of the family (Eph 6:4).

In the Church

17. The biblical principle of role relationship applies also to the gatherings of the church. All believers, men and women, will participate at gatherings of worship, prayer, Bible study, and service. The scriptural applications that a woman remain silent (1 Co 14:34) and that a woman should not teach a man (1 Ti 2:11,12) require that a woman refrain from participating in these gatherings in any way which involves authority over men.

18. In church assemblies the headship principle means that only men will cast votes when such votes exercise authority over men. Only men will do work that involves authority over men (1 Co 11:3-10; 14:33-35; 1 Ti 2:11,12).

19. All Christians, men and women, are to use their God-given gifts to serve each other (1 Pe 4:10). Women are encouraged to participate in offices and activities of the public ministry except where the work involves authority over men.

We were doing our coloring assignment in the worksheet and on the front of the booklet was a copy of some oil painting showing the descendants of Adam and Eve going out from some city or village. We were learning the Genesis story and two logical problems seemed to come up.

The first was the fact that if God made us in his image, then he was a person. And a person needs a family so where were God’s parents and brothers and sisters? I didn’t know about Mormonism at this time, so I didn’t know there was another crazy religion that thought about and tried to answer this question.

The second was the question about Cain. According to the Genesis story, Adam and Eve only had two children at the time Cain murdered his brother Abel. Yet the scriptures speak about mysterious other people who existed at this time and with whom Cain built a city and a civilization in Genesis 4:

16 Then Cain went away from the presence of the Lord and settled in the land of Nod, east of Eden.

17 Cain knew his wife, and she conceived and bore Enoch. When he built a city, he called the name of the city after the name of his son, Enoch.

But if Adam and Eve only had two kids, where did these people come from? At the time I didn’t know of the racist explanations some apologists — also known as people with a full-time career in religious bullshit — gave: that Cain had taken his wife from the apes, their children were dark-skinned and this explanation is a racist and Eurocentric explanation for the origin of the African people.

These doubts and suspicions continued throughout my school years, but I went along. I sang the songs at Easter and at Christmas about how Jesus loves all the little children in the world. I recited the passages during the pageants and learned about the weird things in confirmation class about how Jesus had given people the keys of salvation and damnation. This was another weird thing, as one of the things Lutherans have hammered into them from birth is how only Jesus’ forgiveness, or grace, can get you into Heaven, unlike those evil Catholics who follow the antichrist and have weird ideas about good works.

At least after I was confirmed and received my special scripture, which I promptly forgot that weekend, I didn’t have to go to church anymore. I bounced around different churches friends invited me to attend until my sophomore or junior of college, where after trying all sorts of evangelical denominations and even a residence hall bible study, I gave up on this whole church thing and called myself agnostic and would tell people about how lightning and trees had more majesty than the hate of organized religion. At that time I was still spiritual, even though I didn’t really know what that meant and probably couldn’t have explained it if I tried.

Part of my distancing myself from organized religion did come from the death of a family member. Not because I was angry at a pastor or a doctrine, but because people’s doctrines were so stupid. After hearing for the tenth time that this family member was in a better place and how this was all part of God’s plan, I wanted to start strangling people.

I knew these were just platitudes they were telling themselves to make themselves feel better. The person I had lost had died in an accident, and thus it was another person who had taken them from me, not God. And thinking God has a special plan for all of the billions of people in the world seemed to me to be especially arrogant for us humans to think.

Shouldn’t we have to take ownership of our own actions? Why would God plan for children to get bone cancer? Or for people to maim, kill and rape each other in the horrors of war? If free will means anything, then it means God has jack shit for a plan and we have to take responsibility for what we do.

After moving back home from college, religion tried one last time to grab hold of me. My hometown church invited me to attend services and I accepted the invite, showed up and even stayed for the annual meeting where the women cooked all the menfolk a big, hearty meal and then left less they intervene in the men’s work of making all the decisions on how to pay the pastor and run the church.

I was not inspired by the sermon, or the people or the arguments for God. Slowly, as I had begun to learn more about how much scientists were discovering and learning about the cosmos, I gave up my feeble attempts to argue that lightning, or trees or coral reefs were proof of some kind of deistic god and became an atheist.

Over the years those convictions have become stronger. And now that Evangelicals are kicking and screaming about being persecuted and having the freedom to impose their beliefs on others, I figure it’s time to become more of an active participant than just a passive observer.

Religion is a huge force for harm, such as the child abuse perpetrated by the Catholic Church, Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses and others that continue to this day. Christians continue attempts to persecute those they dislike such as the LGBTQ community and have politicians such as Donald Trump, many of whom are willing to give them special privileges and consideration, hold back science education and spend public funds on boondoggles such as Ken Ham’s Ark Park.

Some people may think the Upper Midwest is like the Northeast and thus a secular utopia, where we don’t have to deal with the crazy of people like Ken Ham or Ray Comfort. We tend to vote more secular, like our Bernie Sanders and don’t try to force schools to teach creationism.

But our communities still have churches on what feels like every third street corner. We have Amish enclaves that refuse to provide modern medical interventions to their children and entire families shun a member who has lost their way. We turn a blind eye in the name of religious tolerance as Good News Clubs scare very young children into believing they have to take Jesus into their hearts or they will burn in the fires of Hell and parents enroll their children in private religious schools that take public money to teach kids that sexuality is a moral evil, the earth is 6,000 years old and climate change is impossible because God gave man dominion over the earth and promised never to wipe out mankind again after Noah’s flood.

These things need to be spoken out against. To borrow from two intelligent and well-spoken atheists, people need to believe as many true things and as few false things as possible and while you have a right to wrong, I have a right to be right and point out your bullshit.

Please feel free to comment here or elsewhere on the site with your thoughts and feelings. If there are any topics in the atheist/secular movement you want me to address or important issues in the Upper Midwest, let me know and I’ll try to tackle them. You can reach me at thomas_paine_09@hotmail.com.